What is writing? In its most basic form, writing is a medium of expressing communication from one person to another based upon agreed symbols which, when constructed in certain ways, represent words which then are interpreted by said other to have a particular meaning. In other words, it is a form of conveying a message, that is all, in its simplest definition. But there is a lot more which goes into it.
Take for example that words themselves, even when spoken, are nothing but pointers. They themselves are not the actual thing being explained through the word, the word tree is not the tree itself. When I write tree, more than likely, you will think of a different tree in your mind than I am. Maybe it is the tree planted in memory of your late grandmother, or maybe not, but it is not the tree that I see. Something itself which too is not the tree itself, of course, but again just another layer of filtration. Just a memory of something in the past being called forth through the cue of the word. Even if I were to describe the tree with so much accuracy that it was painted in the mind of everyone reading this, then we set out to all draw the tree in which we saw, they would vary, quite drastically.
So then again I ask, what is writing? Why is one compelled to write, despite the fact that the things written are symbols filtered through many layers which then create some meaning on the other side, something which could be many leagues from its intended purpose? For me, it is nothing more than necessity. When I write, it is because I need to write. I need to let out that part of me which is to be released. To be a writer, something which I do not yet consider myself to be, is a lifelong dream of mine. Not only as a means to let out that which wants to get out, but also to teach of what I know, albeit it is very limited. To inspire, to create, to break down barriers of communication, as it is much easier to write what I mean to say, as opposed to saying it to someone else.
Along my journey here with you all, I have had but one block from posting any of the things that I have written, and that of course, is me. I have this innate ability to victimize myself in every situation, even when receiving praise. I hit a roadblock, and as opposed to finding a way to work through it, I create this false reality in my head that keeps me stuck in my old behaviors. The praise is bullshit, it is nothing, I say to myself, it doesn’t mean anything. Of course, there isn’t much praise in my life that gets through. I never believe it. It is much easier for me to reinforce the negative comments others give to me. So, when I saw that people had viewed the articles that I had written here, and not read them, I had taken it as a signal that I was not good enough, and that all of my efforts would be for naught, if I continued to write.
As if that really is the reason why I write. But, it doesn’t feel good, regardless of the true purpose. It’s not that what others think is what does not feel good, but what I truly believe about myself. What I have internalized to be truth. It is easy to see how this might lead to a passivisity in one’s own life. Where anything that requires any effort, even if it is what I truly desire, becomes something which I throw out the window for something easier, something that does not put myself so far out there. So, this is but the beginning. I am seeing the ways in which I have allowed my old environments to shape my thought patterns which have held me back, and for the next few months, I will be posting once a week, at least, about my struggles in life. As stated above, this is not really about any reader in particular, but just about me owning my shit where it can be viewed by others, if they so choose. I too do hope that I can make it a page of recovery, not only from these beliefs, but also from addiction of both drugs and alcohol, and the struggles and beauty of living a life of such extremes as such an outcast, at times, and coming back to a loving community littered with extremely kind and brave individuals whom I trust my life to.
Another thing which really holds me back, is that I think that all of the things in which I wish to write are just common knowledge, and for those of you that do read to this point, and are aware of all such things posted here and above, well, whatever.
